Medication

I had hoped to do this blog in some kind of order and I'm not sure I was on track with that anyway cause I seem to be writing whatever seems to be upper most in my mind and today is no different. Medication is today's subject in case you hadn't read the subject=0.

I have been on medication for a couple of years now, or should I say had been on?...Can't make up my mind because I am getting back on my medication. After saying that I realized that the best place to start this blog is at the end and work my way back. As I said I was on medication for a couple of years but about two months ago I had been to the doctor for my 6 month check up. Let me say here that I am getting my medication through my primary care physician. When I went I told her that I had realized that I had forgotten to take my medication that morning and the morning before. She asked me if that happens often and I told her no. While every once in a while I do miss a dose but I had never missed it two days in a row. She told me that when one starts to forget to take their medication it's usually a sign that they no longer need it, which brings me back to the conversation that we had about panic and anxiety being a problem at certain periods of time and then waining again. I agree totally that does happen because all my life I noticed that sometimes I feel great and other times not so good at all. Well I thought about getting off my medication and decided it would be a good time to try it. I weaned my self off slowly as my doctor suggested taking a whole pill then the next day a half for a week then going down to a half pill every day for about two weeks then going down to half a pill every other day for two weeks then off totally. I had been off my med for two weeks this past weekend and Friday I was feeling really good. I had often thought that while on the medication it keeps the anxiety, panic and depression in check, I also didn't really feel everything like excitement to the full extent that I used to. I'd have a good time going places and am really happy but I just didn't get that rush of "OH WOW DID WE HAVE A GREAT TIME!!!" I hope that explains it cause at the moment another way of explaining it escapes me. Friday my hubby had a Dr. appt. and we went out afterward to the mall and just had a good ole time together. I really had that feeling of having had a great time. Saturday I started to feel a little apprehension and could feel myself starting to get drawn into the same mind set of anxiety again. I can say that the weather has been funky lately raining every day and looking gloomy. My stomach hasn't been feeling great either and I don't know what that is all about but if it keeps up I'm definitely going to see a doctor about it but that is another story. And since the weather has been so funky my sinuses are going nuts and my head has had lots of sinus pressure. My husband has always said that when his sinuses started bothering him that's when he'd always feel more nervous and on edge and I think he's on to something cause I have noticed the same thing. I used to take a decongestant when my sinuses felt clogged up in my head and I would actually feel better till I realized that the decongestants were also making my heart do crazy things (I also have mitral valve prolapse and am prone to having palpitations anyway). Also at 50 you'd think I'd start changing life and my periods would be stopping by now but unfortunately that isn't the case and I still get the mood swings when it gets close to that time again and it's close to that time again. Oh and one more thing I had trouble sleeping Friday and Saturday night. Trouble falling asleep and then waking about a 3 A.M. and not being able to fall back to sleep till around 5. The whole time I was on my meds I never had trouble sleeping but before the meds I would often have trouble sleeping. Combine all these things together and it's no wonder the anxiety is showing itself right now. Also I have my Dad staying with me this week and I knew that I'd have to be on top of my game with him cause he's starting to lose his memory a little. I have to be in a good place when I have him over. Yesterday I could feel myself slipping further into that mind set of anxiety. I was using positive self talk and trying to get myself in a good place again but I finally came to the conclusion that perhaps I should get back on the meds

Like I said I have been on the medication for a couple of years but I have been suffering with anxiety and panic for most of my life. You might be asking why I hadn't started meds till a couple of years ago. Quite simply I, like many other people I found out, was afraid to take the meds. I was afraid that I would get all the horrible side effects that are listed on the inserts you get with all meds. I wasn't sure how I would feel and I suppose I didn't want to feel drugged and not in control of my life. Many years ago I did try some medication for a couple of days and had a bad experience with it and with the stupid psychiatrist that prescribed it and decided it wasn't for me. The first day of being on the meds he gave me my whole body felt weird a like I was in some kind of a daze and had a horrible sinus problem. I called him to ask if this was a normal reaction to the drugs and was put on hold for over 20 minutes. I felt like if he wasn't concerned enough to give me a few minutes to answer my questions I didn't need him or his drugs. I know it sounds rash but the truth of the matter is I didn't like this guy to begin with. I had only had one appointment with him and he was recommended to me by the psychologist I was seeing at the time. She felt that medication was a good option for me. I never felt comfortable with him, I really didn't feel like we had enough time together for him to prescribe anything to me. I often hear stories about people getting medication from psychiatrists and I usually feel that the patient is being over medicated. I like the idea that my primary care physician is prescribing my meds. She knows me and how I react to drugs, which is it takes very little for me to respond to drugs most of the time. The first time I tried the medication that I am on now was about 4 years ago and I had a bad reaction then. I had a horrible panic attack within hours of having taken the first pill and I started vomiting and for two days I had a horrible depression, which at that time I had never had before. This time when I decided to try medication once again she suggested the same medication but to ease me into it. The last time she had given me 20mg of the medication and didn't say anything about starting with half a pill and then increasing it slowly. This time she suggested we start with a 10mg pill take half of it once a day for the first week then increase it to a whole pill. Well that did the trick and and 10mg is what I have been on ever since. I have heard people that get on a pill and eventually have to increase the dosage and before they know it they are at the maximum dosage and then that medication stops working. I really don't want that to happen. While I am on one medication that doesn't mean that I am comfortable yet with trying new medications. I know that some of them can make you feel worse before you feel better or you have to keep trying different ones till you find the one that works for you. Some of the side effects are horrid and I think it would make me more than just a little crazy to have to go through that. Well if anybody is finally reading my blog and you are suffering with the same problems and considering medication I hope I haven't scared you off of it completely. I have to say that medication has helped me immensely and it's worth a try. I know you may be like me and you could be afraid to try them. I understand that and I want you to know that you are not the only one. People with anxiety and panic often feel this way. We don't like change or challenges it makes us more anxious,but go ahead and give it a try, it could be worth it.

Control

CONTROL. That is at the root of anxiety, panic and all the other disorders that are associated. I can remember quite a few years back at a dentist appointment when the dentist wanted to give me the laughing gas to give me the Novocaine shots so he could fill some cavities. I told him to forget about the gas and just stick me. He said that his wife was the same way and then he casually said that it was a control thing. That stuck with me because many of my fears were because I was afraid that I would not be in control or I would lose control in the midst of a panic attack.

Today I was talking with my friend who's daughter is in a deep depression. I am sorry to report that she is not doing well, has had to give up custody of her children and will now be placed in a state mental institution because there is nothing more the doctors can do for her. They have exhausted all medications and treatments and she is not responding. While talking to my friend she said that her daughter wanted to be in control, and that brought the memory of the dentist back again.

Unfortunately when in the midst of a panic attack one does not feel in control nor does one who is in a deep depression. It's hard to think because one feels so awful. In this case this poor woman has lost her right to be in control and make her own decisions because she is so bad off and she refuses to help herself. I understand how hard it can be believe me but I feel for her and her children.

Please Dear Lord send her some help. Help her to regain her mental faculties and crawl out of this deep pit she is in. Give her confidence, wisdom and strength to fight this horrid disorder and show her Lord that all is not lost, that You in Your infinite mercy are at her side and will always be. Give her hope again Dear Lord In Jesus name we pray. Amen

OCD

Well since I covered agoraphobia yesterday I suppose I'll cover OCD today and then I can get on with my experiences and those of my family. Many members of my family also suffer with some or all of these disorders as well. My sister's main problem, for instance, is OCD. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder has a few different faces. By that I mean it shows up differently in different people but it's still OCD. My sister's OCD is the kind that makes her check and recheck everything. She used to own a wedding invitation business and it was probably the worst thing she could have been doing since she was such a stickler for perfection. She would check and recheck to make sure the wording on the invitations was PERFECT. Everyone who is ordering wedding invitations appreciates that, I'm sure but, for the person doing it and those who are watching what she is going through with it it's a nightmare, to hear her spelling and respelling names and words. She would go from the first draft to the order form over and over again word by painful word checking and rechecking to make sure it was perfect. Even then it didn't mean that the invitation would come out perfect when all was said and done. Sometimes the printers would screw up and then my sister would beat herself up thinking she didn't check it enough because she made a mistake.

Another way OCD manifests itself is the sufferer will often have to go back to check to see if they have turned off the stove, locked the door, put out the cat... even though they know darn well that they have done it. But they must check one more time to make sure. I read another example of this same kind of OCD where the sufferer might hit a bump in the road and while they didn't see anyone they will have to go back to that spot to check to see if perhaps they hit a person that they didn't see. If it happens to you once it means you are conscientious but when this kind of stuff happens to you constantly and causes you much stress and worry there is a good chance that you may have OCD.

My husband had a bout with OCD shortly after the birth of our first child. We had gone fishing that day and my Mom baby sat for us. When we got home my husband was watching our daughter so I could bathe and while he was watching her a thought occurred to him that scared the living day lights out of him. His thought was 'what if I punched the baby?' He's not a violent man, he wasn't harboring any animosity toward her nor was he crazy. Later on a psychiatrist that he went to see told him that no he was not crazy, if he was he would have just done it and never thought twice about it. No what he had was a random thought that because he is the man that he is it caused him anxiety and stress thinking that because he had that thought he might do something as horrible as that. This is mostly how OCD in me most of the time. I can remember a time when I was trying to hide the kitchen knives on myself because I was afraid that I would totally lose my mind and stab the kids while my husband was at work. Yeah it sounds crazy but I never did it and I never had an urge to actually do it just the fear that I would lose my mind and do it. The last time I had problems with panic, anxiety, depression, and OCD, (yes I had them all at once) I was afraid that I was going to hurt the cat. I'm sure there are other forms but the ones that I have described today are the kind that I am most familiar with.

Mentioning that I had panic, anxiety, depression and OCD at once got me to thinking about how when I start to really have problems with any one the rest seem to show up as companions. Sometimes there is one thing that is prevalent but for the most part they all seem to show up along with the one sort of like support just in case you can overcome the one the next one can step up and take over. Thinking gets rather irrational for one who is suffering with any one of these mental disorders. Not crazy but you start worrying about day to day things that you would otherwise never give a second thought to when you are feeling well.

One more example of OCD (I just thought of it) are people who are germaphobes. People who have a huge aversion to germs. I think we can all think of a popular comedian that is a germaphobe and doesn't shake hands hug or kiss others, instead he bumps elbows with others as a greeting. Now you may think of this as funny because he is a funny man but it isn't . I'm sure he feels a lot of stress and pain because of his phobia and I think that we should all be a little more sympathetic toward him. If he wants to laugh about it go ahead and laugh along with him as it may be a way of coping with the disorder but don't think that he is kidding and then try to force your hand into his to shake it or give him a big ole bear hug if you should meet him or anyone like him, you can be causing a real problem for the sufferer. While the cure for such phobias is exposure therapy the sufferer needs the tools to be able to cope with such exposure and they have to be willing to try.

I know there was more that I wanted to post today but after that side track I can't think of what else I wanted to cover today, besides it's getting late again and I need to get my day started. If I remember what it was I'll cover it tomorrow.

Agoraphobia

I woke up this morning still not sure of how I wanted to proceed with my story of anxiety/panic disorder. I realized that in there I need to mention that I was not then nor am I now the only one in my family with such disorders. All of this came to light when I finally started talking about what was happening to me. My Mom revealed to me that she too suffered from anxiety and panic attacks but she didn't know what they were until I finally started getting information on it all. Of course she was born in the 1930's and back then anxiety/panic disorders and OCD were not terms that had yet been invented. At least I don't think so. If there was a doctor out there that used those terms they weren't widely known and nobody talked about it. I always wondered why my Mom had such a hard time with driving. She was always a nervous wreck when she drove and avoided doing it as often as possible. Then there was my Grandfather on my Mom's side. We always heard stories about when my Mom and her siblings were little and they would all get ready to go somewhere and just when it was time to leave my Grandmother would come in and tell all the kids that they weren't going after all because my Grandfather didn't feel well. My Mom said it happened every time. And that story leads me to Agoraphobia which is a phobia that can and often does develop as a result of having panic attacks. Agoraphobia means "fear of the market" but anyone who has suffered can tell you that it's not a fear of "the market" it's more a fear of a panic attack happening at the market, or where ever or whatever the circumstances that a panic or anxiety attack has occurred before. I like to call it a fear of fear. I have suffered with agoraphobia and still do. Every day is usually a challenge for me if I have to drive to places or go to the store by myself. Sometimes I can handle it better than others but it's still a challenge every time. I'm not afraid of Walmart or my car or the streets that I am driving on my fear is "what if I have a panic attack?!" If you have never had a panic attack (most people have had at least one) I need to stop here and explain what a panic attack is for those who don't understand. People have panic attacks all the time. Ok so you are driving along and a car darts out in front of you and you are about to hit it, you may actually be in the middle of a panic attack, it triggers the fight or flight response and either you run or fight, in this case it's a little different because you are driving and you don't have to actually fight or flee but you have to do something or you will hit the car. The fight or flight response releases adrenaline and it causes a quick reaction from you either you hit the brakes or swerve to avoid hitting the idiot that almost caused an accident and when it's over you cus the idiot out like crazy. Ok so that last part isn't a requirement but it's usually what happens. You feel shaky and angry after the incident is over. That was a panic attack. Those kinds of panic attacks are normal and useful. In a person who has a panic disorder the panic attack occurs in a totally calm situation out of the blue. The person's heart rate increases, their breathing gets shallow and quick and they start to feel that tunnel vision. Something has to be done FIGHT OR FLEE is what their mind is saying and since they can't see how or why they must fight they usually flee. Fleeing is actually the worst thing that one can do but try telling the person that is having the panic attack that. They don't know if there is some unseen danger if they are about to pass out, pee on themselves, die or a whole host of other irrational thoughts at that moment. All the person experiencing an unprovoked panic attack knows is they are uncomfortable and afraid and they want to be comfortable again. So I hope I haven't confused you more and that you have some idea of what a panic attack is. Now agoraphobia can develop in a person who has had this irrational panic attack. The person starts to believe that the panic attack occurred because of the place they were and the thing that they were doing at the time that it occurred so they start to avoid the places and circumstances that the panic attack occurred in and that is when it's called agoraphobia! A long round about way of getting there but that's it. OK I had intended to write more today but it's getting late in the day and I have got to get off of the computer so I can get some house work done. After all I am a housewife=0)

Starting with the anxiety/panic disorder and depression

Since the reason my daughter suggested I start a blog was because of the anxiety, panic and depression that's where I'm gonna start.  To tell the truth those disorders have shaped the person that I am and the reason that I have been a house wife for the vast majority of my married life.  
     I suppose you could say the panic disorder started when I was 13.  I had my first panic attack just looking in a mirror while I was alone.  That started an avoidance of mirrors and being alone for sometime and even to today when the panic and anxiety is rearing it's ugly head I somewhat avoid mirrors and being alone (the latter part is a little more difficult since I am a house wife).  This is gonna sound really strange to someone who has never suffered from panic and anxiety disorder but I trust that someone who's been there knows what I am talking about.  I didn't know what it was at the time.  I honestly thought I was gonna go crazy for a little while and here's the kicker...I didn't tell anybody.  Not even my parents, I didn't know how to explain it.  I'm sure my Mom noticed something different about me because I was acting nervous and probably more than a little strange but then again I had always been a nervous child, having to take medication just to get to school in the morning because otherwise I'd have serious stomach aches and even vomit from time to time.  Funny thing is most people today never know that I am basically a nervous person that suffers from these kinds of disorders from time to time.  I guess I hide it well now, besides like I said I am basically a very happy person.  Getting back to my story...in time I got over it.  Life got full again and moved on.  Not to say that I didn't think about it everyday but it just didn't bother me as much.  My doctor and I recently talked about how disorders like this seem to run in cycles.  Most of the time I do really well and then BAM a panic attack hits me from out of the blue and usually starts a period of anxiety, panic, obsessive compulsive disorder and, about a year ago, depression, for the first time.  Sorry, I forgot about the OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder).  Panic, anxiety, OCD, and depression are so closely connected that often if someone suffers from one there is usually a problem with more of them as well.  Back to the story...The next time I had a major problem was when I was about 17 I suppose,  I had been with  my husband (who was then my boyfriend) for almost two years and my Mom made a comment to me.  I can't remember exactly how it went but it was something to the effect of how I needed to date more boys before I decided to marry this one boy.  To this day I don't know how or why my husband stayed with me through all that except that he must have really loved me enough then which just goes to show how wonderful he really is.  From that one statement from my Mom I started obsessing about whether I really  loved him or not and it was just killing me that I might not and that I was going to hurt him so much if I broke up with him.  Just goes to show how confused the anxiety ridden, obsessed mind gets.  That should have told me something right there.  If I was more concerned with his feelings rather than my own then I must have really been in love with him but I couldn't see it.  I told my husband (but still didn't tell my Mom) and we rode that wave together and got through it unscathed and with out splitting up.  I know I must have put him through hell and it pains me to this day to think how hurt he must have been.  Well this part I'm sure you can guess we finally did get married perhaps two years after that incident and we got pregnant three months later.  Pregnancy went well and we had a beautiful daughter and then two years later we got pregnant again and this time while we had some difficulty with the pregnancy, we had a beautiful son. While I'm sure there were some small bouts of anxiety and panic, which has always been the main problems I deal with, my mental health was good. 
      Well, I have written about as much as I can handle for today.  Besides, I need to think about the next part to decided what exactly happened next so I will continue tomorrow or later which ever I feel like doing.  One thing I can say today is I never realized how therapeutic typing this out can be.  I'm realizing things I never did before.   

Just the beginning

Well here I am just starting my new blog and I will already have to be signing off soon cause the hubby will be home soon and I'm sure he will want my undivided attention but that's Ok cause I love him and he's been hard at work all day even though it's Sunday.  My daughter gave me this idea to start a blog because of a conversation we had today about a friend's daughter who is suffering from a very deep depression.  Since I have had my own bout of depression(not a bad one but depression just the same) and since I also have had problems with anxiety/panic disorder she figured that it would be a good idea for me to start a blog about it.  I decided that I don't want to blog only about those things but about my life and the lives of the people around me as well.  Just a journal I guess you could say.  In any case a lot has happened to me and my family in the past 6 years and I thought that in itself might make for interesting reading and I'm hoping that it could even help someone else with the same experiences.  One thing I have learned in life and with particular disorders is I'm not the only one who has had these experiences and problems and thoughts.  I'm gonna chalk this post up to just setting up my blog and will really start tomorrow.  Perhaps doing this will help me with my addiction to games on facebook.  I can hear the hubby's keys in the door so that is all for now.  Till tomorrow then...